To work or not to work?

John is now 12 weeks old which means my maternity leave is officially over.  I haven’t talked much about my post-baby work plan on this blog because honestly until this week I didn’t know what I was going to do.  To refresh you on my initial thoughts, I mentioned it at my 30 week post.  On some days I wanted/needed to get the hell out of this house and get back to work and on other days I just couldn’t imagine leaving John at daycare 8-10 hours every day.  To be fair, I didn’t fully research the daycare option.  I mean, I looked online and talked to some friends, but I never actually picked up the phone or went to check one out.  I’ve told myself and my friends some partial lies saying that we simply can’t afford infant daycare (somewhat true…that shit is expensive) or that daycare would be tough because I’m on the road so much and Bud’s in court (kinda true, but I know my job would have worked something out for me).  The truth is I didn’t want to use daycare while John is so young.  I know plenty of people who use infant daycare and their kids are perfectly happy, but personally I couldn’t do it.

The problem, however, is that being a traditional stay at home mom didn’t really ring my bell either.  I’ve had so much anxiety over not working at all.  Again, I know plenty of people who do it and are perfectly happy, but I was worried that I’d agonize over every dime I spent and would feel somewhat bored or lonely.  I was also really bummed out over potentially losing my spot at the Alzheimer’s Association.  It took me TWO YEARS to find a job in the nonprofit sector so it was a little bit heartbreaking to give that up after only 1.5 years.

I think the main problem stems from my own mom. Yep, it’s Joan’s fault.  She set the bar impossibly high.  My mom was always a working mother, but I can’t think of one time that she wasn’t 100% there for me or my sister.  She somehow had a job, but also was on the PTSO, wrote my school’s newsletter, was able to go on field trips when I wanted her to, picked me up and dropped me off for various activities, etc.  She didn’t skip a beat.  How am I supposed to live up to that?

So last week I finally sucked up enough courage to meet with my boss to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to come back as the Development Manager.  I told her that I didn’t find childcare that I’m (a) comfortable with and (b) could afford.  Truth is I probably wouldn’t have wanted to go back fulltime right now even if Mary Poppins was watching John in my own home, but I didn’t need to tell her that.  I told her that although I can’t come back in the same capacity I’d love to stay with the Association either on a part-time or contractual basis.  She was incredibly supportive (I love her) and said she’d talk to our Chapter Executive to see what could be worked out.

I didn’t have high hopes because this would require creating a whole new position, but there are a lot of holes in our Chapter that I felt like I could fill.  The entire Chapter doesn’t have any admin or clerical support so there ends up being a lot of duplication and frustration Chapter-wide.  I met with my bosses on Monday and was thrilled to hear that they totally understand why I’m not ready to come back full-time and wanted to create this position for me!  We are still working out the details (like what exactly I’ll be responsible for, pay, hours, etc), but it sounds like I’ll be able to do this job 98% of the time from home when I have time (evenings, weekends, naptime).  The 2% of the time I have to go to the office my mom (or Bud’s mom in the summer) can help out with Johnny.  This is the ideal situation for me at this time.  We made a list of things I’ll be doing and it’s all stuff I enjoy doing:  Chapter newsletter, social media, website design and support, various data entry, etc. 

I know there will be days when I’ll miss going into the office and seeing other adults, but I’m really happy I was able to work something out and not leave the Alzheimer’s Association completely.  This cause has become very dear to my heart and I’m so glad to stay a part of the team.   I don’t know what my long-term career plans are, but I’d love to do something like this while my kids are so little and then ease back into a full-time position once they are in school.  That sounds like an eternity away at this point, but I know I’ll get there. 

I need to let go of living up to the Joan-standard, but if I can get halfway there my kids will be very, very lucky.